


Cut down all the ropes and let me fall

by Pancakedew



Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen, M/M, Other, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, trigger warnings apply to the tags mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-19 22:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1486231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pancakedew/pseuds/Pancakedew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sanji/Luffy/Zoro- "Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to drown, for good." "I won't let that happen, you're the part of me I can't deny exists, you are everything I've laid my foundations on, please don't leave me." (mentions of suicide/self harm, do not read if you are uncomfortable, are upset by, or have problems with either of those topics, this is a slight vent)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Anywhere I would have followed you- Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I'd like to think I've matured a bit since the last time I posted a story, so stay with me while I adjust to writing like this.  
> Enjoy if you can! I'll post more if the feedback's okay! I know i'm not that good but i'm really trying, thank you!!  
> This is a slight vent by the way sorry about that, also sorry if this triggers anything for anyone, please please do not read this if you find the subjects mentioned triggering, thank you! I love you all!!

Anywhere I would have followed you- Chapter 1

I sit alone sometimes, not because I want to, but because I have to. I have to let my mind flow with the ideas. I don't know where or why they occur, they just do. I never would do them, at least, I believed I wouldn't. I think I'm a genuinely happy person. That's why I can't quite pinpoint why I feel this way sometimes, but I just do and that's that. I've accepted the fact that I am as self destructive as I am constructive to others. No one has any idea, and it's better that way. I can absorb myself more into what I do, what I think. I'm sure there's a point of going "too far", but I haven't hit it yet. I'm made of rubber after all. They usually heal within a few days, there's some on my upper thighs that have stayed though, haunting me again and again. Fuck what am I really doing. This has been going on for years. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

Sometimes he's standing on the banister, waiting for me to follow him, and oh god do I want to follow.

"Finish your breakfast you rubber fuck." I stared at him. He said it in a more mockingly concerned way than anything else. I insisted on him finishing it for me, saying I was a little lightheaded from the heat. I didn't want to upset him, I know how much food means to him and how little my appetite was at the moment. I compromised. He raised his eyebrow into a fine arc, then sighed lightly, finishing the toast off himself with a scowl. It was just us on the ship at the moment. I'd slept in, saying I'd had a late night- which I had, and the rest had left to grab supplies. I'd briefly caught that we were low on herbs and that's about it. I wanted to go too, somewhere inside of me wasn't letting me go though. Something bigger than me.

"Thanks for the food." I stood to leave, the kitchen was closing in on me and I couldn't figure out why it was happening, maybe the awkward silence, maybe the heat, who knows. I didn't know he was reaching for my wrist, I'd taken to wearing long sleeves now out of worry. Worry that someone would spot them before they faded. I flinched as he wrapped his palm around my wrist. It still stung, it really did. I turned back to find him glaring softly at my face, he hadn't seen them. At least I imagined he hadn't.

"What's wrong?" Nothing was wrong. Nothing. Everything's fine. Everything. "You've lost your appetite, is something up? You're not sick. I'd know. I'm not Chopper but I'm not an idiot." His worried face could've done it, broken me down, but it wouldn't, I couldn't let them in.

"I'm okay, I'm just tired." Of living.

"If you say so, cap'." He looked as if he was trying to distract himself with the newspaper, knowing I could be as solid as a rock if I wanted to be. I felt bad, god I felt bad for doing that to him. He's been nicer to me since we all returned, softer, he still treats me similar with regards to kicking and punching, but his words are softer. Understanding.

"Sorry." I spit out and scurried off to deal with the build up of my fears in the bathroom. Grabbing whatever was handy, I made them more visible than ever, covering them was going to be so difficult, and I think some were definitely infected. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck.

I legged it to my part of the cabin and redressed into jeans and a hoodie. Casual, they'd never know.

I didn't notice that it had seeped through the clothes until it was too late.

Our wonderful cook, Sanji, was taking a drag near the side of the ship, and I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me. I wanted to let him know, even though I'm certain he knew.

"S-" I paused, suddenly feeling a wave of nausea grab me. I fell forwards to my knees, I must have bled more than I thought I had, it was dripping out of my black sleeves and through the denim of my jeans. I felt like throwing up really badly. Sanji hadn't noticed, he was looking towards the other side of the beautiful ocean. The deep blue maze.

I decided in that moment that it was time for me to go. He was standing there on top of the banister like always, holding out his warm palms for me to follow him. I could do it, I could gather up that strength. I could do it.

It took a lot of effort to drag myself quietly across the ship, I felt terrible, leaving my crew behind, but I mess up, it's okay I mess up everything for them, things will be better now, Franky will have to clean up the red streaks all over the deck, god what a fuck up.

It took one lunge to immerse myself in the waves. Followed briefly by mumbled cries. The space around my body was dyed a crimson colour, and my limbs became numb as they usually would, but this time it wasn't scary. I couldn't breathe, and that was okay. My vision was blurring out. I figured I could say my goodbye's mentally, they'd get them. I'm sure they would. I felt some comfort in dying, I don't know what it was, but it was there, I didn't become the pirate king, but that's okay, it was too big a dream anyway's. I suppose I could've fallen in love, I could've seen more places, more people.

But right now I just want to see you. Ace talk to me, tell me you know i'm sorry, I fucked up. I'm so sorry.

Sanji

I didn't think he was that bad, I really didn't. I didn't think that he could possibly leave me. Why would he leave me?

Depression affects many, I'd noticed it the moment he stepped back on this ship, I just didn't have the heart to say something, to let him know I'm here, to let him know it'd be okay.

Now I'm pumping his chest, giving CPR to a near enough bloody corpse, just because of a missed detail. That one little detail. I was crying, I won't lie, I was battering his body more with my tears than my hands pressuring his lungs to cough it up, to breathe.

"FUCK, FUCK WAKE UP. JUST WAKE UP." I screamed, I was going to batter his corpse if he died on me. "THIS IS ALL BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO OPEN UP YOU CLOSED OFF FUCK." I didn't mean anything I yelled in that moment, apart from that. I knew how hard it was. I really did. I had to restrain from taking in the blood flow spots, they hurt terribly to look at. They must have hurt him more than anything. I just wanted him to wake up. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, he meant more than anything to me. Me and Zoro knew, we talked about it infrequently, but neither of us could act upon it. We didn't realize he'd been hurting so bad. We didn't know what to do, but I suppose anything would've been better than nothing. "Please don't leave me." I couldn't hold back how much I wanted to save him. I'd known him for years now, and he meant as much to me as much as I did to him.

My pleas seemed to reach him somehow, through either the ocean air or a God, he choked up water, he choked it all up, his breakfast following but that was okay. He was with me. He was extremely pale from blood loss and I could deal with that. I knew a wider range of medical knowledge than anyone else apart from Chopper would. I put that to the test in the infirmary, I don't usually go in there, it's sickening, the smell. I had to admit I was a little bit intimidated by hospitals, they made me feel weak, no matter what I was there for.

I did what I could, and the colour meekly started to return to his body, his wounds were dressed as best as I could, and I let the panic slowly seep back out of my body. I wanted to fix him, I felt responsible. And I knew he wouldn't want anyone else to know, it'd be too difficult for him to have sympathy off of his crew members, his family, his closest friends.

They couldn't know how much he had been hurting, it was my burden now, and I was determined to lift it.

I concluded Chopper would have to know. As I couldn't explain the blood stained sheets any other way, but that would be okay.

It'd be okay.

I messed with his matted hair as he slept raggedly, it was strangely still soft. Through the salty water he'd managed to keep his appearance up if anything. That was good. That was wonderful.

"I don't know what to say to you, I don't know if I should be sorry or angry, I just don't know Luffy." I buried my head into the sheets next to his left arm. I'd wrapped him up warmly in as many blankets as I could. He needed warmth, he needed love. This was all a 'heat of the moment' ideal, I'm sure if he was thinking straight, he wouldn't of even tried.

But he might of.

I felt like cracking my head open when he sprung to his feet so suddenly, shifting from his sleep state to his awake state within seconds. I couldn't comprehend it. I didn't believe it. He limped away so slowly. I yelled, I cussed, and I cried. But I let him walk away. I let him go.

He had gone straight to his own bed, I followed him and covered him in the same amount of blanket. I placed myself in the bed next to his, so not to look suspicious. He could die in his sleep at this stage. I had to watch him. I had to keep an eye on him. I couldn't let the others see him like this.

What could I do though, what could I change now? I didn't know what to do. As his short, pained breaths carried through for hours, what could I do?

This was beyond me.

Stay tuned for chapter 2.


	2. I could explain it, but I won't tell you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Luffy could understand it himself, it'd be a start. All that's left inside him is fear. And fear is not a kind place. It's somewhere he never wanted to be. It's somewhere he doesn't understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I’m literally writing this on a caffeine high, so it might not make that much sense I’m so sorry, I hope it works because I felt kinda unmotivated to carry on with it but I had some very nice feedback from some lovely people and I didn’t want to let anyone down so hey lovelies this is chapter 2. This is written very ooc by the way.

 

_ I could explain it, but I wouldn’t tell you _

 

_ Luffy _

 

_There he was._

 

 In the minimal amount of breaths that rushed from my lips, I saw him. He was like a sun in the middle of a hauntingly gloomy day, and he was there.

 My lips curled, letting him see that I was happy now. Sorry I took so long, brother. I’m here now, shh, don’t cry, stop crying, how old are you c’mon...

 

 It wasn’t him. It won’t ever be him.

 

 He’s gone.

 

 

 It’s been a long time since I’ve woken in a cold sweat, in a state of little awareness and vulnerability. I don’t know what’s bringing back all of the things that plague my mind, but they’re coming and they’re coming quickly. Clouding my mind with their hurtful words and discouraging statements. All I want is for you to die. Is that too hard to ask of a dead person? Is it too much of a request for you to lie in your grave and sleep there?

 

 I need to move on, I HAD moved on. I love you, but leave me alone now.

 

 It’s not funny any more.

 

 “Hey Luff.” A tap on the back of my head got me more than it would have normally. I stood, and began to breathe heavily, it was noticeable, too. Even worse, it was Zoro.“You alright? Sorry were you sleeping?” He moved his hand to touch my shoulder, I shuddered even though it was a safe touch. He moved away slightly, creasing his eyebrows and standing still in a ‘what’s going on?’ pose.

 

 I opened my mouth, about to say something. When something that hadn’t happened in a long while hit my gut like a bullet.

 

 Panic.

 

 I didn’t know where it was coming from, or where I was, or where I was going. All I remember was locking the bathroom door and feeling nothing but breathlessness.

 

 It wasn’t really the same after that. I felt ashamed, Zoro’s and Sanji’s faces jumped in front of everything I did, and every dream I had.

 

 Now they were there, and I was more terrified than I had ever been.

 

 

 “Luffy, me and Chopper want to talk to you.” Sanji sat me down at the dinner table, he’d called me there, assuming he wanted an apology for the morning, I had gone with the request. Everyone was back on board, but no one seemed particularly suspicious of any previous events. Sanji had kindly mopped away the blood that I can barely remember even spilling, all I can remember is the bandages around my wrists and thighs, tied tightly but gently into place. 

 

 “What about?” I slid against the counter, keeping as level headed as I could. If I could prove I was okay, they’d leave it, right?

 

 Sanji cradled my chin suddenly, pressing my head against the top cupboard door. He looked agitated, slightly. His breathing was hoarse and ragged through a cigarette he’d slipped to the side of his mouth, and to be honest, it was a comforting smell.

 

 “You know what” I didn’t know I was holding my breath. I couldn’t understand why either, like the earlier panic attack. Again, the panic started to spread, slower this time. I understood that it was shitty of me to pretend nothing was wrong, but I’d feel shittier to force everything on my family’s shoulders. My burdens were my own.

 

 My mistakes were my own.

 

 “I’m alright, Sanji. It comes and goes.” It did, most of the time. When I was on that island for 2 years on my own, however. That felt different, because there wasn’t much reason to hold back if no one could see. But now, everyone can see, and if it keeps up I won’t be a captain any more. At the bottom of the ocean I should be, because that’s where the trash goes.

 

 He coughed, it sounded slightly like a laugh, but the smoke was blurring all the words that came out of his mouth. Then it wasn’t the smoke, it was me.

 

 Within seconds, I was on the floor. I could hear Sanji saying my name, and he pulled me up to my feet when I opened my eyes, but I kept blacking out each time and it was getting more and more scary. “Just, s-stay there a second...don’t move.” He’d pinned my arms down this time, he didn’t stop talking to me. My vision got blotchy a few times and my hearing wasn’t the best but he didn’t stop talking. It was calming, and it was making the fear subside. But the physical side of it was that I’d lost so much blood and eaten so little, that hypotension had sunk in.

 

 “’m sorry Sanji..” I muttered through the dark patches, I was certain I could hear “it’s okay” but I wasn’t sure, mostly because I didn’t believe it.

 

 I let the dark wash over me, because it felt safe, it felt like sleep, and it was this time. I was going to sleep.

 

 The feeling of meeting you had vaporized in that moment. I had my dreams back. Where you were just a memory, and I was powerful, I could take down armies, I could help people, I could make friends, and I wasn’t a burden.

 

 It didn’t last for long though, the moment I awoke, in the sick bay, next to Sanji and Chopper’s concerned faces. I felt powerless again.

 

 I’ve never felt fear paralyse me like this. 

 

The worst part is, I don’t know what I’m so afraid of.

 

I’m starting to think it’s myself.

 

_ Sanji _

 

 He’s sprung up from the bed, like he had a few hours before. I’d never seen someone so terrified, and honestly, I was wearing the exact same look back. 

 

 No, I was going to just say it. Be blunt, he’s your captain after all. He’s gotta hear the truth. And the truth was, he’d tried to commit suicide that morning. He’s broken his skin apart, he’d bled and he’d cried. There was no explanation, there was no warning, and I needed that. I needed an explanation more than anything.

 

 It scared the living shit out of me. That shit head thought he could actually die on me? Ridiculous. I’m not having it, I won’t.

 

 I won’t.  

 

 

_“What is it, Sanji?” The doctor had perked his ears up, his fur ruffling in the draft through the sick bay. “If it’s another question about the female anatom-”_

_“No, no. Well, maybe later but no. Not now.”_

_“Is it about Luffy?” He seemed to sigh, not out of frustration, it felt sad. Like he could choke on his words if he said too much. I nodded slowly, and he sighed again. “Sanji, I know. I know what he’s been doing, I know how he’s feeling, but it’s something that medicine doesn’t cure.”_

_“But you’re the only one who’d know what to do.” I felt warm water drip across my balled up fists. “You’re the only one who can do something. I couldn’t do anything but save his life this morning. That’s not enough. Just living isn’t enough.” I pleaded in desperate gasps. “Save him.”_

_“Calm down Sanji, shhhhhhhh I didn’t say there wasn’t a cure. But it’s not easy. The human heart and mind is not an easy thing to cure. Especially after, probably more than 2 years now. It takes a long time to fix someone.” Chopper patted my fists gently._

_“I have time.”_

 Screw being the pirate king. Screw the government. Screw my sexual desires. Luffy was more important. Luffy was more important than anything. I think all of us would agree that. 

 

 “Luffy. Talk to us.” My eyes welled up unwillingly, and I reached out for him. But the hand reached for nothing, as he was gone. His mind far from here. There must be so much pain beneath his skin that none of us could even begin to understand, but I did understand that he had to come back. He was that strong, and he could come back.

 

 I think everyone needed to know that. 

 

 “Luffy please, come back.” I watched him scratch at his arms in a frightened haze. I watched Chopper transform just to hold him down, to prevent him hurting any more.

 

 “GET OUT!” He screamed. “GET THE FUCK OUT!”

 

He wasn’t talking to us, he wasn’t even in the room.

 

It was him. I was certain it was him.

 

 “GO AWAY!!” He sobbed, and all I could do was hold him and wonder how it got to this.

 

I could’ve been there, but I wasn’t, none of us were.

 

 And it made a broken man from a statue of gold.

 

 

 

To be continued...

 


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